Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
