Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
