he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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