More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
