Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
