She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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