I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Randomize
