The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
As shirtless as possible
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
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