he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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