on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
