So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
