I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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