Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
this is an emotional support booty call
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
