I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
