you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
