I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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