I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
