i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
