I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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