How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
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Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
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