i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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