he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
