Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
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