Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
