In the future we'll all be gay
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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