hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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