he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
