She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
