Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Randomize
