Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
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