if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Randomize
