I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
