I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
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You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
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