Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Randomize
