He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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