Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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