Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Randomize
