I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Randomize
