cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
my liver is dry heaving
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
