so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
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my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
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I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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