One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
