i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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