watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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