just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Randomize
