Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
