i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
40s are totally the cure
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
