Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
