I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Randomize
