I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
