I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
