I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
