i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
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