Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
