how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
