now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
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so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
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