Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
