I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I just want nice things and good sex
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
