goodnight i made you a song goodbye
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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