This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
