that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
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